Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Randomize
