When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
As shirtless as possible
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
