I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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