A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
