we have officially lost it.
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
