I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
