I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
