mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Randomize
