just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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