Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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