i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
