his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I need to calm my uterus...
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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