Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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