did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
