:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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