The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
