so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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