im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
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