when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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