Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
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