i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
