Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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