i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
His hands were made for my vagina.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
