Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
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