Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize