took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
