Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
