dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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