Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
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