It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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