I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Randomize