guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
