Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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