My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
So drunk, too bad you don't want this
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
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