Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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