I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
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