They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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