Rock
Scissors
Fuck
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
