we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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