i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
