I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
