someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Everyone says I win the strip club
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Randomize
