I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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