just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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