the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
