My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
