My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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