I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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