my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
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