wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize