Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
im six kinds of drunk right now
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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