i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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