True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
