I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
