Your dad touched me again.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize