she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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