Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
