Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
