Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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