So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Let's paint friendship bongs
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
