Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
