do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
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