Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
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