i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
